After falling off the blog wagon again due to the hectic pace of the holiday season, I am once again ready to post more often. I'm feeling refreshed in this new year. Ready to tackle some projects at home and in my heart.
I originally sat down this afternoon to catch up on the past few weeks with pictures and commentary, but before I started downloading pictures from my camera I decided to check a few mommy blogs that I like to read periodically. The first blog I clicked was "Fly Through My Window" If you've never browsed through Darby's blog, I highly recommend you do so. Darby is a stay-at-home mother of three who is always inspiring me. She lives a life full of faith and hope, and she takes beautiful pictures!
Her Jan. 4th post about her "blog friend," Edie, really struck me. Edie is another well-known mommy blogger whose blog "Life in Grace" details her life as a mother of four who gave up her career as a family practice physician to become a homeschooler and a blogger while also becoming "a self-proclaimed goddess of the domestic arts." I had never had the pleasure of perusing Edie's blog until this afternoon. Darby's post was in support of Edie and her family after their house was destroyed by a fire a few days before Christmas. Their entire house burned to the ground in the middle of the night. Miraculously, the entire family was able to get out without anyone getting hurt. As Edie so beautifully wrote on her blog, "Only God can save 6 people and 2 dogs without anyone getting so much as a singed strand of hair. I cannot plumb the depths of his love and mercy."
As I was reading Darby's post I tried to imagine myself in Edie's shoes. My entire house burns to the ground a few days before Christmas. I still can't fathom it. Even though the contents of your house (excluding people/animals) are "things" they are still your things. Precious, useful, sometimes expensive things. It makes me shiver. All the baby pictures, family heirlooms, etc. All gone. Shiver again.
I kept browsing around Edie's blog and I came across a post she had written about homeschooling in her "Confessions" category. Homeschooling is a fascinating subject to me. I don't think I have the tenacity and willpower to do it, but I am amazed by the many mothers who do - successfully and willingly - teach their children at home while also managing to cook meals, clean the house, and have a life. It's awe inspiring!
My mother-in-law and I recently had a conversation about the trials and tribulations of staying at home with your children. To sum up our discussion, it's a very, very difficult job that doesn't get status and respect from society. It can make you feel like you're going crazy some days. As many moms have said over time, it's a thankless job. If you were going to pay someone to watch your kids full-time, it would cost a fortune. Good childcare isn't cheap. You would happily pay it because you want the best for your children. And yet, for some reason, if it's the mother staying home the role isn't viewed the same way.
Despite all these somewhat "negatives", I believe it is the one of the most important jobs you can ever have. I consider it a privilege and I'm so grateful for the opportunity.
I have re-posted Edie's words here on what homeschooling has taught her. I think they speak for themselves.
What homeschooling has taught me about myself.
“But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the exceeding greatness of the power may be of God and not from ourselves.”
If you had asked me ten years ago what I’d be doing with my life in 2010, the last thing I would have answered would have been homeschooling my children. I was graduating from residency in family medicine after a long and grueling education, with all the hopes and dreams of building a successful practice. During those years, I already had two children and somehow survived the schedule, mostly on big dreams and little sleep. I learned some things about myself—-that I was strong and smart and determined. I was decidedly self-sufficient. I was sure about everything back then, even the strength of my own faith.
Life seemed to me a fairly predictable equation: I had ‘put in my time’ and was ready to reap the benefits. And there were so many benefits to being a professional in a field that is generally highly respected. For several years after graduation, I worked to establish a name for myself. I enjoyed the interaction with my patients and my colleagues and loved the way my life was unfolding. I made a nice salary, dressed in the latest fashions, got my nails done regularly, attended trips and meetings that I could easily justify as ‘necessary’ to my career. Often these things took me away from my family. I didn’t bat an eye. Stevie, my podiatrist husband, worked across the hall—so I got to be his work wife and his home wife. It was all kinda Mcdreamy. He was the hottie in green scrubs and I was his hard-working wife—-his equal in nearly every way. He looked at me different back then. Sometimes, in the monotony of stay-at-home mothering, I wish I were her again. All the things that happened to me as a result of being a doctor served to ‘polish the vessel’, so to speak. The vessel was shiny and perfect on the outside. But the treasure was hidden away.
Little did I know then that God is in the business of shattering vessels, so that His treasure—-Christ—-can be poured out on others.
My perfect shiny life would soon come crashing to the ground.
Fast forward three years and here are some of things I’ve learned about myself while homeschooling my children.
I am impatient. I don’t have the fortitude to stick with tasks like I should. I am weak and undisciplined and lack the courage of my convictions. I talk about self-control but don’t have very much. I teach my girls to treat people with kindness but then I lack compassion with my own family. I am a hypocrite and a real honest to goodness sinner. I struggle with contentment and then get angry with them for their discontent. I see in them my own sins and failures and then withhold mercy when they need it most.
This task of teaching my children has broken me.
They see through all my charades.
I can’t hide myself from them.
And this intimacy has exposed every frail part of me. The selfishness. The lies. All my broken dreams. Even the weakness of my faith.
They don’t see a shiny perfect vessel. They see the real me, the shattered pieces of a life undone.
Self-sufficiency is being put to death in my life. I must learn to lean on Another.
And yet……
……miraculously, they love me unconditionally. They applaud at my meager attempts to be a ‘joyous mother of children’. They forgive me so easily and still say that I’m their best mom. Despite my faults, they somehow see through to the Treasure. They glimpse the beauty of a life broken and spilled out for another. It’s as if they see me through the light of His cross. In a million unspoken words, they know. They know and are thankful. That in my frailty, He is strong.
So when we confess our sins together at His altar every Sunday morning, it is no small thing.
We say with surety and conviction and sometimes with tears, ’We have not loved God with our whole heart and we have not loved our neighbor as ourselves.”
Oh the sting of truth. I hear their small voices echo with mine. The voices of my very dearest neighbors. The neighbors against whom my gravest sins are committed. She holds my hand and we know.
We wait eagerly for the absolution. Those precious words of life that restore husband and wife. Mother and child. God and man.
“God in His mercy has sent His son to die for you and therefore forgives you all your sin, in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.”
It’s the assurance of these words, and not my own clever life and career, that I’ve come to depend on.
It was always supposed to be this way. And perhaps this is what it means to be ‘saved through childbearing’.
Maybe my ‘schooling’ has only just begun.
Post-Edit: This story is my own. I don’t pretend to know the ways and means that God uses to work repentance in all His other children. We are given tremendous freedom in Christ to choose our paths and I am not writing this to incite debate on working mothers vs. at home mothers, traditional schooling vs homeschooling. Whatever he uses to crush our self-sufficiency and self-righteousness is good for us. The tools he uses may be different for you. The path is worn and the process is painful no matter the means. But take heart. If you are drowning in what seems like the mundane, remember that God is using you to serve your neighbor. And it is a divine, high calling.
I thank the faithful Lutheran pastors who have helped me see the beauty of the doctrine of vocation.
I thank Edie for her honesty. Today was a difficult day with Clay and I struggled to stay patient in the midst of his fussy tantrums. After losing my patience and feeling terrible about my behavior, Clay still wanted to curl up in my lap and give me a big hug. His unconditional love when I felt the most unlovable really moved me. I couldn't imagine why he would want to even be around me. But, I'm so glad he did. A hug from him was exactly what I needed and wanted at the time.
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